I've been in a funk lately. There are a lot of reasons why it kicked off. Its been too hot this summer. My allergies are crazy. We are back to the super busy school year of school, work, karate, soccer, and church.
The real reason though stems from my personal life.
My life has been difficult the last few years. It's been a little like a horror movie at times. It hasn't been what I expected. I've spent the last year and a half adjusting to life as a single mom. It hasn't always been easy. But it's time for all of that to change. I'm tired of just trying to pick up the pieces.
Not too long ago, I went to a place to discuss my life situation. While the visit was helpful and I got started moving in the right direction, there was an unintended consequence. They made me feel like a victim.
But I am not a victim.
I am a strong woman with a mind of my own. I am a fighter.
No circumstances haven't been what I want them to be. I have always had a good grasp on what was going on with my emotions. I have always been good at pushing down negative emotions to get done what needs to be done. What I haven't been good at is dealing with those things. I just keep pushing them down until they go away, or in this case, until you feel something so stupid it wakes you up.
Every emotion you feel is a choice. You choose to feel that way. No one makes you feel that way. Sometimes though, that choice has to be a conscious struggle to really change the way you feel.
"Bitterness is like a cancer. It eats upon the host." ~Maya Angelou
I haven't seen The Daddy in a couple months. In the silence that came from that, when I was finally able to relax, all of these emotions and things I had pushed down for a long time started to bubble to the surface. I was dealing with my anger towards him. I was dealing with my anger towards bi-polar disorder for taking away the man I met, fell in love with, and married. I was mourning the loss of that person – finally. I had mourned the loss of our marriage, but not that guy that just left one day and never came back. He looked the same, but it was just the shell. I was healing. Getting back on track.
Then I found out through a mutual friend that The Daddy was doing really well. He was attending church, volunteering at church, making friends, playing sports, and was getting baptized. That should have been great news. Instead, it made me mad. Fuming mad. For years I stood there and fought as hard as I could against bipolar disorder. I told The Daddy to go to church. I told him he needed friends. I told him to change his outlook and things would get better.
He waited until it was way beyond too late. He waited until so much damage had been done that there was no way to repair it. He waited until someone else told him what I had been losing my voice saying it over and over again for years.
I was mad. Bitter.
And I couldn't write. Poems just were not happening. So I started running. I started an exercise program that is opposite of everything I usually want to do for exercise. I ran. And while I ran I fumed. I seethed and I ran until I ran out of energy.
One night after running I called The Daddy, out of breath, out of energy, but still mad as hell. I yelled at him. I told him all of the things I wanted to say. I told him why I was mad. And that was exactly what I needed to do. I needed him to know how mad I was. I needed him to know how hurt I was. I didn't want a response, I just needed to say (well, yell) those things. I needed him to really hear my anger.
And now, it's time to dig out. It's time to make the choice not to be angry any more. I made my point. It's time to not be bitter any more. I am tired of feeling like a victim all the time. I want to move to a place of peace and resolution.
I am glad The Daddy is doing well. I hope he continues to do well. I wish I could trust that he will stay on this path, but I can't. It hasn't been long enough. It will take time. Lots and lots of time before I can even consider thinking about trusting The Daddy again.
But I can trust myself. I can trust that no matter what, I refuse to be bitter and angry. I refuse to let my life be eaten away with negative emotions. I choose to let it go. I choose to move forward with my head held high. I choose to be the person I know that I am.